What Men Really Mean September 28, 2004 4:27 PM And last night, we discovered that Abby has an extreme phobia of being squirted with water. It doesn't even matter if it's her face or somewhere else. Now, all I have to do is hold up the bottle, and she slinks away like a little coward. Finally, I can watch TV without having my toes chewed. Thank god!

To be helpful, I am going to detail some things that guys do and say to women, and the translations for them. I know women think men are simple, but I think you'll find that we frequently use complex thought patterns to govern our actions and our words. Keep in mind, I'm the exception to these rules. (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA)

Things Men Say:

1. "Of course I'll still respect you." - He already doesn't respect you. You're a chick. He doesn't respect chicks, except for possibly Joan of Arc, and Mother Theresa. All other chicks, he just wants to get with.

2. "I love you" - This means "I want to have sex but I know you won't unless you think I love and respect you."

3. "Baby, can you bring me a beer?" - This means, "Bring me a beer, now, wench!" It does NOT mean "I want to talk to you during this sporting event." contrary to popular belief.

4. "I don't want to talk right now." - Means, "I don't want to talk right now. In fact, I don't ever want to talk, I just want to fool around with you, but I know you won't if I don't talk, so I guess I will sometime. But not now."

5. "I'll be home in a while." - Means "Don't wait up."

6. "Let's go out tonight." - Means, "I can't stand your crappy cooking for one more second. Plus, if I buy you dinner, you're gonna owe me."

7. "You look great!" - This means "Frankly you could wear a burlap sack, or better yet, nothing, and I would still want to jump on you. But for some reason, you find it necessary to get dolled up before you feel attractive, so I guess I'll play along."

8. "Let's stay in tonight" - Means, tonight, my horomones are screaming louder than my stomach, and frankly, I can forgoe eating until tomorrow.

9. "Let's rent 'Hope Floats'" - Means, there had DARN WELL be a really good payoff if I watch that crap with you.

10. "I don't think you should be friends with that guy... there's just something about him I don't like." - Means, "That guy is WAY better looking than me, and it makes me very insecure when you hang out with him. I'm insanely jealous but I can't say that because you'll think I'm childish, so instead I am fabricating a bad vibe I get from him. Take the hint, or expect to be served with divorce papers."

Things Men Do

1. Tune you out - This means he is concentrating on something important, like football, and he can't be disturbed. Take the hint, and come back at halftime with your points summarized neatly, and don't exceed 20 minutes. Men's brains don't work like womens. We can only think about one thing at a time (linear) instead of many (scatterbrained).

2. Look at other women - Admiring the beauty that exists in the world is very important. Everyone should take time to smell the roses. Men, as it turns out, generally only find beauty in women. We're not saying we want to leave you. Heck, the reason we're with you in the first place is we sincerely believe you're the best looking girl we can get. So don't worry about it. We're just looking.

3. Pee on the seat - Ok, if it were just a solid, steady stream, that would be no problem. It's the initial surge, and the final muscle spasms that cause seat wettage. Most men could hit a 1/2 inch target from 6 feet once they get started. We need the seat up, you need it down. So how about if we put it up, that you put it down. It's only fair that you do your part, too.

4. Throw dirty clothes on the floor - It doesn't make any sense at all to take the time to put dirty clothes into organized containers. The floor will suffice quite nicely. And frankly, we take our clothes off wherever we happen to be, and it's very inconvenient to walk to the hamper if we're say, working in the garage and take our pants off. Plus, isn't it really "women's work" to pick up the clothes and wash them? I'm just saying. (NOTE: I always use a hamper and wash my own clothes, unlike all of the married men.)

5. Burp - Yes, it's considered rude. At least in this country. But it's not our fault that we have gas buildup. Men don't function like women: Men prefer food and drink that encourage gas, like beer, brats, grease, etc. Women generally consume things like salad, whole wheat deli sandwiches, and water. Don't blame us, because it's a matter of taste, not of manners.

6. Never does anything thoughtful - Well, welcome to earth. Guys aren't thinking about you when you're not around. We don't work like that. If we are, it means we are whipped, and all hope for sanity is lost. When we're at work, we're thinking about work. When we're in the car, we're thinking about driving, and when we're looking at you, we're thinking about... ummm...how much we love you.

7. Stays out all night - Obviously if it is more fun for him to go hang out with the guys all night than to spend the night with you, you must be doing something terribly wrong. What you can offer is far better than what 'the guys' can offer, so start using your powers if you don't like waiting up for him.

8. Only cares about sports - Men are naturally competitive. We love anything with competition. Naturally, since we are in a committed relationship with you, there is no longer any competition. If you want to get my attention away from sports, start hanging out with a rich, sexy doctor.

9. Complain about being hungover - We do this because you are a woman, and you're supposed to care. If I can't get your attention, I will act up. It's just like a child. Negative attention from you is better than none at all.

10. Go to the gym - We do this only to attract women. If you are married to a man that is going to the gym, it ain't to attract you. He's trying to attract "OTHER" women. It's sad, but it's the truth. If your man starts going to the gym, it's probably time to hire a private eye.

And that does it for today. Maybe tomorrow I will do the lists of things women say and do, and what they mean. It's only fair.

Pete Incredipete, you couldn't be more right. Pete is just telling the truth. I know the truth hurts Wendy. We just let you think you are in control. Yeah that's right, you heard it. "Your my boy blue!" There are some guys who think like that. They are called "jocks" in some places. There are other men who don't think that way, they are called "my gay friends". But I kid.... there are guys who are really not a sports fiend, who are interested in having a really high quality union with their female partner. When I find him, I'll let you all know. Hardly anything better on this planet or any other than an honest man. Thank God I don't want a man right now. ditto. i think i'll stick with my dog. I was going to tell you why you are still single but after reading your entry I think it is safe to say you probably already know.

And don’t go getting all cocky when the guys come on here agreeing with you because they will say you are right here and now but they for damn sure ain’t gonna say it in front of their women. Why? One reason and one reason only. We are in complete control of any and all sex dished out to any and all men. I choose not to be "kept down" by "the woman" any longer. I will speak the truth, and if the other men are too weak to do the same, it's only because the women in their lives have emasculated them. And the angels will weep for them. Anyone else notice that no other men have commented? You're gonna get a shitstorm from the other guys when they see you've broken the code of silence. The shame will be visited on your children. Your future son will have to spend his adult life married to a woman who treats him like his bitch. I'm just sayin'. That was supposed to say "her bitch". Cause that would make sense. Whereas the way it's written right now, does in fact make little sense. As does this explaination i'm sure. Make little sense that is. I'm so over this. Oh Pete... darling, sweet Pete. I fear you've created a world of trouble for yourself. Awwwww..Somebody’s in trouble……I’m just sayin”…. That wouldn't be anything new for me. Trouble is my middle name. Actually, my middle name is "annoying" but whatever. The point is, I would be ashamed to call any man a "friend" that wouldn't back up what I'm saying here. Don't worry, tomorrow's expose' on women's thoughts and actions will more than make up for this entry. I'm really interested in the "women's thoughts" expose'. Mostly just to see how deep you can dig yourself....

Then again, I'm a little evil like that. ;) Oh Pete--you are so full of shit. However--I am not annoyed because I know that you are smarter than that. I hope you are. this thinking is how situational lesbianism happens The male species is how situational lesbianism happens. I thought that happened because women are attractive and men aren't.

Don't worry, Jackie. I'm not as ignorant as I seem to be. Although "Lynne" might tend to disagree...
Talking about lesbianism is one of my favorite things to do (down Pete), but after seeing the uh... art work... from the last entries comments page, I can barely keep a straight face. It just keeps flashing before my eyes. My husband does his own laundry. He says it's because I shrink all of his clothes and he can't afford to replace them. I don't give a shit, that's three less loads of laundry I have to do. As long as he keeps the washer/dryer free when it's my turn I'm happy.

Men are only as smart as we women let them think. Or something like that... teets - i hate to tell you - but not matter how great you think he is - he's still gonna talk to your tits. How about when you find a guy that's not talking to your tits, you let me know, and give me his number?!? Wait, wait, I'm supposed to be offended if a guy is talking to my tits? offended ... nope. just file under the catagory of still just a man - no matter how great they seem - and what have we learned about men? "They're makin' them thangs everyday" Whew, I was afraid I'd missed something. Hell no, never offended. I mean, tits are there for a reason (yes, others than feeding). Use 'em for Pete's sake! I use 'em for MY sake!!! LOL

Sorry, Pete's sake was so natural. I didn't want to offend with my usual phrase...

Yo Petey, I just noticed, 95% of our following is female. What does this mean?

Oh and also, thanks for giving me the perfect excuse to give to the Girly-girl© for why I don't go to the gym anymore. Yeah thats the ticket, it's cause I've hung up my players card not because I'm a lazy lard ass.

And for the record I've been fully trained (i.e. whipped) I pick up my clothes from the floor (most of the time) do 80-95% of the cooking, and I've even been known to turn off the TV when talking with the Girly-Girl©


the reason I turn off the TV when talking to the GG is because most of the time she doesn't demand that I turn it off, and she is respectful of waiting until the game and/or program is over. If a woman is willing to extend that amount of courtesy the least I can do is give her an hour of undivided attention.

however, if, when she leaves the room she says, "Oh I'll wait until you're finished watching televison, cause this might take awhile" I already know I'm screwed, so I can't even take any pleasure in the program I was watching anyway. It's like the executioner says "hey enjoy your meal...I'll catch you when you're through" Somehow it kind of makes you lose your appetite. *doing her best Rodney King impersonation* Can't we all just get along?

Sometimes I'll try to say something important to Hubby and he'll snarl at me. I just walk away and say something like "Do what you want." And I don't tell him later what it was I wanted to tell him, it defeats the purpose.

He does try to give me full attention at times, tho... Says Big Pimpin' Funkmaster: "Incredipete, you couldn't be more right. Your my boy blue!" Laughable. Boys talk so big when they are in groups but get 'em alone and they are the biggest wusses in the world. Why? Because they know who is in charge. According to the Funkmaster, "We just let you think you are in control." Keep trying to convince yourself of this. Your very own spokesman, one IncrediPete, has made it very clear that men only do what we want them to because they want the good stuff. That my dear is control!

HRT, 95% of your following is female because we heard you guys are rich and we want your money...
I don't think any of us are rich, but HRT, I have to agree with you on the executioner example. You might as well turn the game off and face the music. But then again, you'll be sleeping on the couch regardless, so may as well finish watching. Big C, you are right. We only do what women want us to in order to get what we want. Wendy, you can call it control, I prefer to think of it as "manipulation." But whatever makes you feel better about it. It's a good thing for us men that you women are so easily manipulated. That's all I'm saying. Damn Pete, you make me hot. I honestly don't know any women (or men) who are absolutely crappy cooks. I think everyone is good at cooking at least 2 things. My strenghts are omlettes, pizzas, and cookies. Call me dense but I don't see how you can call it men manipulating women when y'all are the ones doing what we say, when we say and how we say. I'm jsut sayin'..... It's easy, we tell you what you want to hear so you'll give us what we want. Yeah, you may get the trash taken out, but that's not the same as being "subservient" to you. Sorry to break it to you. Yeah and often is the case that you take out the trash in "hopes" of getting what you want and you don't. Sad part is you will be taking out the trash tomorrow... OMG Pete...I can't even comment on how masterful you are at the manipulation of women because I am laughing so damn hard. I can hardly type becccause the tearrrrs are making my keyyyboard slllippery. I guess all this is a little hard for me to understand. My husband and I really don't play manipulation games. We fuck when we get horny and fight when we get mad. The rest of the time we just chill with each other. Sometimes I watch one of his dumb killing movies and sometimes he goes with me to the boring mall. Other times I find someone else to go with and he stays home and plays playstation. I love it when “Lynne” comes out to play early in the morning. I am great at manipulating women... just not the women I actually like. Oops, I probably shouldn't admit that... I love it when Jackie starts “testifying” early in the morning. I love it when Pete gets ganged up on early in the morning. Did someone say gang bang? My relationship with my husband is alot like Jackie's. We just chill with our 2 year old most of the time. It's quite nice. If we need space I go to the Library or Bookstore or something. If I am mad at him, I go shoe shopping because well...you know, nothing makes you feel better than buying expensive shoes. I have A LOT of shoes....hmmmm. Lynne--I think you are my soulmate. Kalisa: You've obviously never tasted anything I've cooked!